NOTHING BUT A THOUGHT

vent

2011-02-21T23:33:00.000-08:00

i really miss tumblr because without it i have no where to vent or let my feelings out so im coming back to blogspot.com for awhile.

year 12 is already a drainer, not to mention teenage drama has taken an all time high in my group of friends. I'm always tired, always doing homework and always fucking stressed about something.

I feel terrible that some of my best friends are having the worst time and there's nothing I can do about it and I wish more then anything that I could spend more one on one time with my boyfriend, after being together for over a year it is suddenly so hard to go from being able to spend as much time as i want with him to hardly ever because of year 12, which of course i knew would happen but i just really miss having someone to hug whenever i want.

The upside is it's only February and Im not going to let the rest of the year get me down because this year is supposed to be "the best year of your life" and I'm going to try 100% to make it that way. its scary to think that this is my last year but also i am really fucking excited.

this is an incredibly boring post but i'm just happy that i've finally started writing again, hopefully i can be fucked updating again. :)

2010-12-21T04:36:00.001-08:00

2010-08-18T03:18:00.001-07:00

I am still so scared that every time I slow down and give myself a chance to think my mind will catch up with reality and thats the worst thing that could possibly happen right now. I wish that I could close my eyes and not have these images flood my mind. I wish I could handle it, on the outside I am fine but I wish someone could see though me and give me the help I sometimes need. I can’t do it on my own but I’m too scared to let anyone know that I need there help.

2010-06-20T05:35:00.000-07:00

Dear you,

There is no one else quite like you in this world and that is just one of my favourite things about you.

There is nothing else I need to say because you already know how much I care for you and love you.

I couldnt be happier and you are the one to thank, so thankyou.

Love Ej

Repetitive dream

2010-06-15T07:12:00.001-07:00

Tonight it happened again, like always so vivid.
I stood in front of three beige doors I had grown to hate. There paint still fresh, exactly the way I had remembered them from a year ago.
“Don’t pick the middle door” my words would echo throughout the empty room, I knew this all too well, I was smarter then this but then again it wasn’t about what you knew anymore. This was something you couldn’t fight; it was always the middle door.

The place was exactly how I remembered it to be, the sense of loneliness lingered throughout the town, so dark and yet everything felt a little clearer. The ropes were tighter this time, they rubbed on my wrists and ankles as I moved with such uneasiness. I knew exactly what was going on, what was going to happen next as the last few moments flicked through my head.
I was calmer this time yet I couldn’t help but shed tears like I had before, I could feel them coming after me it was only a matter of time now.

They arrived in packs, faces hidden behind velvet masks. I tried to close my eyes, to escape them but behind closed lids there faces were revealed.
There was no way to explain them, not quite human but nothing I had ever seen before. Their skin hung off their bodies like decaying matter, their bloodshot eyes bulging out of their sockets, their noses broken and slightly off centre and their remaining teeth as sharp as knives.
They began to chant the chant I had remembered off by heart, slow and soft it started but it grew fiercer and louder until there voices rung in my ears.
I wanted to run, to escape them but I knew there was no where to go, no where to hide. I knew that it didn’t matter how fast I ran or how far I got they would find me and make me pay.
I wouldn’t get anywhere, I wasn’t safe anymore.

They came closer and closer towards me. The smell of their breath made my stomach turn. In the shadows they smiled, like they were excited to see me, it had been so long since we had seen each other. I hated how there was no where to look other then their bloodshot eyes; I hated how empty they were, Like the souls behind them had disappeared and they were now empty.
A flash of their uneven teeth twisted like the words they spoke.
Closer and closer they came.
One forced himself onto me making me cringe, my breathing becoming limited. I screamed louder for help, for breath, one last breath! His arms around my neck, I was choking.
“Ill see you soon” he would laugh and they began to chant their chant, the one I remember off by heart. I couldn’t fight it anymore, I had lost again, numb and lifeless.

I woke up, sweating more then I had ever before, my hands shaking and my eyes stinging from tears. My fears had found me, fears I thought I had chased away found me in the one place I couldn’t control. Each night when I was younger I was destroyed in a place I couldn’t escape, I thought I had grown out of it but maybe I hadn’t.
These are the dreams you have so much trouble picking imagination from reality.

(you will probably notice this is a lot like something i have previously posted, its because I had redrafted it)

vent #3

2010-06-10T02:50:00.000-07:00

I havnt used blogspot in months.

Recently I have noticed people are becoming more bitter and angry. its not an attractive look, it is almost the opposite actually and quite frankly it doesnt do anyone the world of good.
I wish people would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and smile instead of loading there shit onto everyone else.
I wish people could see themselves through the eyes of others and see how pathetic they look, its annoying because when these certain people are happy they are absolutly beautiful but it is there personality and the way they cannot control the simplest of emotions that drains the beauty straight out of them. If it was up to me I would walk up to each individual I know who fits this description and tell them to have a long hard look in the mirror and grow the fuck up, have a look at the bigger picture that is out there and do us all a favour. I wish I had that power but I dont.

2010-03-30T04:14:00.000-07:00

Fuck all the nice things in the world
Fuck who your supposed to be
Fuck the struggles we go through trying to impress the rest of the world
Fuck it, fuck it all.

Why cant people just be who they want to be?
Be beautiful in your own way

far away

2010-03-14T03:36:00.000-07:00

Niels says:
its funny because i can actually tell you everything
and i hardly know you.

It's funny because you live hundreds of thousands of miles away from me. On the other side of the world and yet reading that made my day.

-

2010-03-09T01:45:00.000-08:00

I feel to much.

Thats whats going on.

do you think one could think to much?

Or just feel in the wrong ways?

My insides dont meet up with my outsides

Do anyones insides and outsides match up?

I dont know. Im only me.

Maybe, thats what a person's personality is:

The difference between the insides and outsides

2010-03-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

I dont understand the concept of love.
Everyone wants it and yet none of us can handle it.
I dont think we really love one another its more the idea of love.
Its having someone there to call your own, but I guess they are never really yours because they leave eventually, they leave you in the worst state possible. Whats worse is you become vulnerable to the ones around you.
Its love that rips away your confidence and makes you question everything about yourself.

unrealistic goals

2010-03-02T01:58:00.000-08:00

Late one night I sat on my couch and flicked through the channels. I noticted one particular channel directed at woman showing how they are supposed to look and what we are all suppose to aim for. It made my heart sink as each and every girl on this show was about four sizes smaller then me, i could count every one of there ribs and there legs looked as fragile as twigs.

One particular lady quoted that "beauty is skin deep, any deeper and its layers of fat" I don't really know why but at that moment I wished I was like them, I wish I could walk around in barely anything and look the way they did. So I tried, I tried to diet and that didn't work. I tried to cut down on food then i tried to stop eating and yet I stayed the same while everyone around me looked so much more beautiful.

Last night I flicked through the channels and landed on the same channel I had been on weeks before. Something caught my eye. It was a lady who had curves, who had a bum and had a stomach. she was standing in her bra and undies. she was a model, she wasn't afraid to be who she was. she said "I am beautiful, I am me and no girl who is a size O can compare to what I have, I'm not going to hide I am going to show the world what god has given me"

That night I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time in weeks i didn't feel ashamed of who i was. It was amazing that a woman who i can hardly remember the name of could remind me that there is nothing more beautiful then a girl with confidence.

"Its my way, or the highway"

2010-02-04T03:30:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow I will be attending a memorial held at my school to remember the many who lost their lives in the Bushfires last year.
I lost a close family friend in the fires, a man that was bestfriends with my mother. It absolutly broke my heart when I had to be the first to tell her about his passing.
She misses you so much.

Rest In Peace.

blank

2010-02-01T03:43:00.000-08:00

I remember what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night scared, trying to draw that one single breath that seemed so hard only minutes ago. I remember the tears that stung my eyes as I looked hopelessly in the dark, clueless to reality and I remember waking up, just to remember that you weren’t there anymore. Sleep became my favourite thing. Sleep they say is for the weak, for those who can’t handle the real world. That is why so many of us sleep our life away, because we are scared to show our true feelings, to know the truth.

I was once like that; I was once just like you but Im not anymore.

Old thoughts

2010-01-25T01:33:00.000-08:00

Why do those who write about love complain?
It angers me that apparently to be in love we have to be misserable.

We cry when we dont have it and when we do we cry even more.
We want that 'special' someone but when we have them we want someone else.
We want all the attention in the world but once we have recieved it, we need space.
Why do we always want what we cannot have?

(the end of last year this is what I believed, until i met someone who changed my whole outlook on love, there was finally someone who could change my mind. I couldnt be happier)

2010-01-06T07:53:00.000-08:00

Get to see this beautiful lady March 2010 !! ♥

new years resolution

2010-01-04T06:50:00.000-08:00

I will learn to look at my own reflection and smile, smile for everything i have gone through and everything i have and have once had the pleasure of having.
2009 showed me alot. It taught me what its like to lose someone you love, to greive and to say goodbye. For one of the hardest years so far it has also been my best, because through everything i am still here. I am still smiling and excited to see what the new year brings. 2009 also taught me that i am stronger then i ever thought i was.

So i say rest in peace to the two very special people that i lost and too the rest, happy new year !

times up

2009-12-28T01:24:00.001-08:00

I have spent the past few days patiently waiting to know one simple thing, one yes or no answer.
Yet your effortless phrases have brought me to my only conclusion.
I really cant be bothered waiting anymore.

2009-12-22T08:02:00.000-08:00

Adam Raisbeck

2009-12-21T06:14:00.000-08:00

My hero, My inspiration, My father.

letter I'll never post

2009-12-18T04:16:00.000-08:00

Dear you.
You are quite frankly the most amazing person in my eyes.
Maybe I'll have the courage to tell you one day.

For now, i just hope you read this and smile.

Love Ej.

bleh

2009-12-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

I know you better then you know yourself, I know what you are capable of and what brings you to your knees.
Sometimes I want to help you, pull you to your feet and show you the way. Other days I watch you suffer and lead the life you honestly deserve. Your screams are so loud and yet I have not a care in the world for I am happy knowing you will never be better then me.

Watching you fall is my favourite thing.

myself

2009-12-07T04:45:00.000-08:00

(warning: not finished)
She stared into her reflection and almost cringed at the sight. Tears began to fall from her eyes, slowly she wiped them away. Although the ones she loved, tried so hard to comfort her, nothing could take away the image she had burned into her memory. An image that danced around mocking her, screaming to her that she was so incredibly flawed.

As she hid behind the mask of armor, she prepared for another day.
A day that could be broken, before it even began.
She found it hard to face the hawking eyes of strangers, of people she might someday meet again. She froze, like a rabbit in the headlights she could not move. She did not talk, she mearly weeped. The man beside her did not understand why she cried so hard that day, neither did she. All she knew was she would never be beautiful

lost

2009-11-23T03:26:00.000-08:00

The weather was so beautiful this afternoon.
As I sat under the draping branches of a withered tree I thought to myself, how perfect this would be to share with you.
I laugh a little at the loneliness I had become so fond of. Smiling the smile you remember so well.
I cant help but wonder, how your doing up there.

Closing my eyes tightly to block the outside world, here I can have anything I wish.
I wish for another moment with you.
Sometimes i look out into the world and wonder if anyone feels how i feel.
If they go through what i do, each and every day.

Some people say all you need is love, i don't need love,
I need my uncle.

why is it that a year has passed and I still find myself so hopelessly lost?

Eulogy (oral english)

2009-11-18T06:42:00.000-08:00

It is possible for us to forget someone we once saw to be so loving, so full of life and spirit can be taken out of our lives without a second thought. I suppose you could say life works in strange ways.

My brother was more than blood he was my idol, a boy I could look up too when i was lost myself. Instead of seeing the boy who lost his way I see the boy he used to be, I see someone who was strong, someone who had his dreams and his goals in front of him just not enough time to fulfil them all.

He taught me the little things in life, the things only a brother could and i thank him for that. I thank him for the numerous days he would spend with me when he was home from school over the summer, or the days he would spend teaching me to ride my bike, catch the footy or hit a softball. I thank him for the times he stood up for me when no one else would, even id he knew i was in the wrong he would always be there to catch me when i fell.
We shared a bond that i thought nothing could break. Of course we fought like any other siblings, there were times when we would fight for months on end and i wouldn't hear a word from him. i use to worry that we would never be close again but i could never stay mad at him, at the end of the day there was nothing i wouldn't do for my brother.

It's the little things in life we take for granted that we end up missing the most.
The past cannot be changed and we are to remember the good times instead of the bad. Life is too short and with this I am to forgive Neil. The death of Neil was sudden and tragic, but not something we are to dwell upon.

There is so much I wish I could have said to him, most of all I wish i could tell him I'm sorry. I'm sorry that when you needed me most I couldn't be there and that i couldn't read the signs you were struggling.
I wish I could take back the fighting and the hatred. I wish that one day you'd come back to us again so I could change that all.
I wish that you saw every tear we shed for you,
I wish that we knew this is what you wanted.
But what I wish for most is for you to understand I will always love you, I'm sorry i never got to tell you that.

Neil was an incredible actor, an A+ student, beloved son and a friend to so many.
He was also my brother.
I will continue to follow in your footsteps, and although I have big shoes to fill i will try my hardest, for you..

Lost but never forgotten may you rest in peace.
I will remember the good, forgive the bad and maybe one day we will meet again. I love you Neil
goodbye.

silent cries

2009-11-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

It all slows down as you enter,
my breathing increases.
The outside breeze sends chills
racing through my body,
extingushing the flame within.
The music slow, the lights dim.
Shadows move in harmony
on the floor.

From across the room our eyes connect,
you hand in his.
Swiftly moving in tun with the silent melody.
As the song ceases he leaves your side,
for the girl in the corner.
Tonight, you and I are alone.

Tears roll softly down your cheek,
earasing the mask you so delicately applied.

you look at me,
and I at you.
For minutes skipped like heartbeats, so out of tune
yet so beautiful to listen too.

Another gentle smile and you turn away.
Why won't you notice when my cries are so loud?
Why are you the only one not to hear them?

his angel

2009-11-10T02:56:00.000-08:00

She made him sleepless.
so many nights left dreaming,
his dreams, in an ideal form
of her.
Love glowed from his eyes,
His face lit up when he saw her.
From miles away, he saw.
He watched the way she moved.
Her body, that precious face,
Flawless.
He swore she was an angel.
The one he prayed for,
The one he lusted for,
The one, who got away.

hiakus

2009-11-10T02:55:00.000-08:00

By me a soldier
Hiding from his enemy
Nothing can destroy
_______________

Spiralling downwards
Meaningless conversations
Draw me towards you

______________

You were the jester
We waited for your big chance
Lost in the moment

Click;

2009-11-10T02:45:00.001-08:00

Another happy moment caught, another lie to show the world.
Are you wondering what they’ll see, when they look into our frozen canvas?

1243

2009-10-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

Tonight I followed a single star which lead me to you. Here is where I wished my life away.
To a man with no price, for he had a heart of gold.
Suppose his directions were no better then mine, a little less clearer maybe. Yet i was content wasting time with him.
For minutes skipped like a heartbeat. So out of tune, so beautiful to listen to.

love

2009-09-27T05:39:00.000-07:00

The only artist to keep me entertained over all these years
defiantly the person i idolise

Next door

2009-09-25T02:33:00.000-07:00

I have been in this same spot for fifteen years now.
I have seen the same thing in repeat over and over.

Every single day I stare into deaths pathway, I watch it take away another innocent life.
I see the destruction it does to people I do not know,
and to a person I will never get the chance to meet.
Death is my neighbour, to me he is a man.
He has neither face, nor body.

No voice, and yet each one of us has heard him before.
Each one of us has spoken for him.
He is hated by so many but not I, for I know him all to well. He took a man from me once.
He ripped him out of my life in a cold horrible way, with no warning.

He is no enemy, no friend.
He is my neighbour.

11092009

2009-09-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

I seem a little out of it then usual, weeks are passing so quickly.
I have no time to gather my thoughts at this present moment.

It has been a horrible first week to spring as it's rained every afternoon and I'm more sick then usual, which makes it extremely hard to attend school.
I'm not complaining though, I'm quite over being there.
One week left and ill be in sorrento spending time with some of my favourite people.
Sometime during term four i will be in Queensland with my best friend, my two favourite things together, what more could i ask for?

This isn't much of a blog. I'm just bragging about how lovely the future is looking.
Hopefully by next week the swelling of my nose will be gone and i can get it fixed, fingers crossed.

All in all this week has had a few up and downs, I'm no longer feeling empty.
I'll continue to pick up the pieces and place them back, everything is looking a little clearer now.
although deep down i miss you so much..

!?

2009-09-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Writing has become my only way to disapear from 'reality' into something more beautiful.
There are no boundries with a pen and paper.

01092009

2009-09-01T02:14:00.000-07:00

I spent from 11 onwards on my couch after being sent home from school because I was sick
again.
A disapointing start to my Tuesday, and the start of spring.
Today wasnt as warm as i was hoping, hopefully the weather picks up.

My mind is cluttered at the moment, this doesnt help the pounding headache i've had for six hours.

Somedays i think my list never ends, i need more motivaion for study.
Maybe i should try a little harder instead of complaining and actually complete these tasks...
Maybe?

note to self: don't let yourself fall behind so much!

31082009

2009-08-31T02:41:00.000-07:00

Usually i write in a third perspective and never really about myself.
Most of the stuff on my blog is used in my writing folder, whether they be drafts or something i personally like, I'll usually just chuck it on here and let you read for yourself. I never write about myself, my day or generally how i feel.

Decided I'd give it a shot.
Past few months have been draining, consisting of the same things day in day out.
Five days a week i am stuck at a place i don't like, learning things I'm hardly interested in.
I'm holding a job at the moment to earn money i don't need and work for people who frankly don't care.
Because i like to 'push myself' i am now playing basketball again, a major mistake as i hardly enjoy the sport..
This leaves me with zero time to write because I'm always out there contributing, no time to myself.
Yet a certain someone is beginning to pull me out of this rut, one person who knows exactly how to make me smile,
a honest real smile, what more could i ask for?

VCE is on its way and I'm struggling with year 10 as it is. Hardly know wh, but feels like I'm not getting there fast enough.
Now being asked to choose subjects that determine what i do with the rest of my life kind of worries me. I have no motivation anymore, or i lack the ability to care? Either way i guess.

I'm saving up to go to Queensland if you were interested.
Not that Ive gotten very far as my past two pay checks have gone to my phone bill. Once cheap flights are available i will book. I miss the warmth, I miss the way everything seems better up there, I miss my grandparents and i just generally miss everything about Queensland.

For such a rough year it has gone pretty fast, tomorrow is the first of September.
Which means the first day of spring, which means less layers and maybe a bit of sun
(not too much though I'm still a fan of winter just over the rain and being sick)

I really am not sure what else there is too write, i have nothing to get off my chest.
I guess I'm a little stuck

him

2009-08-24T01:08:00.001-07:00

I'm finally happy.
I now watch the world with different eyes and a different perspective.
cant say it's easy, but your showing me its worth it.

That I am worth it.
Thankyou

bored

2009-08-17T04:04:00.000-07:00

I am repeating myself over and over it seems.
Everyday has become the same as yesterday,
the same as tomorrow.
The same as 7 days down the track.
Nothing changes.

You still have your acquaintances,
you still have your education,
you still have your job.

Yet there is not excitement and laughter becomes a foreign language.
Days and weeks mould into each other, thinking becomes to hard.
You let the repetitive cycle continue in hope one person can drag you out of iT.
i am waiting.

wrong turn

2009-08-11T03:12:00.000-07:00

Listening to the voice of others is hard.
Listening to someone you care most about is harder,
harder then you'd understand.

Being confronted with the hurt i bring upon someone,
is a new thing you know.
You learn that when blinded by anger, words become a river.
They begin to flow
Sometimes you begin to drown in the words you don't want to say,
Sometimes six words is too much.

I cant understand what its like to care so much for someone else.
this is not like me and yet,
it seems like i want this more then imaginable.
Will you ever understand that to its full extent?
It scares me, that today might not be like yesterday or the day before,
that something so perfect can break with words i never meant.

I will try.
I will push through the barrier and show you I'm worth it,
believe me.

alone

2009-08-11T03:11:00.000-07:00

Turn around, look at me as I call your name.
When I tell you not to go, don’t walk away.
Stay a minute, or two.
Sit with me for a little longer, tell me how you feel when im around.
Can you resist?
In the back of your head every second minute,
I am more then temptation.

Why is it when I look through your eyes,
I see a perfect life unfold ?
I see the world a little clearer,
yet I see her. Not me?

Am I alone to wonder down empty streets?
One's I cant quite remember the names of.
Will I wake up and see you tomorrow, or will you leave?
On a plane that floats above as I walk below,
walk to clear the space in my mind.
Will I slip under the cracks, one day will you find me?

vent #3

2009-07-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure why I'm feeling like this.
It could be from the lack of sleep,
or maybe the rush of thoughts beckoning through my mind.

maybe i want more then whats being offered.
Feels like I'm going to loose again, and such short notice.
What am i doing?

I'm hoping this all sticks to plan,
wishing a certain something would go my way.
Silently screaming to know the answers behind my questions.
But not wanting to know the truth,
yes?
no?
Seconds tick by now.
Where am i going with this?
Somewhere safe i hope.

from the heart

2009-07-26T02:00:00.001-07:00

The best advice one can give is listen to your heart not your brain.
To try to get to know the people around you, because one day soon you will be faced with the terms that you never tried hard enough.
Fuck the way things turn out but please, do not let your self concerned lives get in the way of people you may not have tomorrow.

simple

2009-07-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

I miss simple nights where family values were all I wanted.
Where the internet didn’t unwrap the outcomes of friendships,
Where pure happiness was shown from people other than the consumers ,
and I didn’t have to be anything less then what I wanted.
Where do these days slip away to?
Are they still here just hidden, to be shown in those very few
precious moments?

11:22

2009-07-23T06:02:00.000-07:00

I am trapped.
Caught in the dim reflections of my past.
Slowly, I am moving through reality, my head so high
Bring me down, close your eyes
Give me the chance to set my path, shape my future
Don’t destroy the massacre of my thoughts.

today

2009-07-11T08:34:00.001-07:00

Today, I waited for you to turn back to me and call my name but you never did.
Today, I wanted to cry but I never let it reach the surface.
Today, I wanted to run far enough so I didn’t have to take anymore but I couldn’t let go.
You told me you were sorry, that you over reacted but I couldn’t believe you.

I let you kiss me, hold my hand and I wished it didn’t hurt so much.
Today, you walked your separate way and I'm left wishing I never let go.

Another repetitive dream

2009-07-11T08:25:00.001-07:00

From the safety of my window I watch the sun set. The end of another day, another day a single thought is lost. As the sun moved between the last remaining branches, I wondered if we were reconnected by the same beauty that once brought us together. Silently I placed my hand on the cold stained window as if I was waiting for your interment touch. For you to reach out and grasp it, to keep me safe like "once upon a time". Although that almost seems like forever ago and yet, I waited.
like always, I waited.
Today I turned my back on perfection as my heart silently began to break, bit by bit.
I wish I recalled those rare moments where you made me believe love exists. Because of you I spend so long waiting with a heart that was never meant to beat beside yours.
Do you remember the night you told me you'd die for me?
You cant imagine how much it hurt when you pretended I was your everything
You told me to wait. Tonight I waited.
Tonight there was no safety barrier between the setting sun. No window left for protection.
I took one last look at a life I was willing to leave behind.
With six word left I pray they realise you were the last on my mind.

A town called nothing

2009-07-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

I live in a town called nothing, where nothing is everything.
I live in a town where there’s an entrance but the exit is always an arms length away.
A new beginning in this town can never happen and your fondest memories are thrown out a door you can’t quite see.
I live in a town where no one loves and everyone is kept secret .
With a blink of an eye you can miss it all.
I live in a town that the future will soon eliminate and I can only hope to leave, this is a town where the loneliest are found under the sheets of night.
The sun will never shine nor ever set here,
And here im beginning to think will be my final stop. Although I smile every so often at the town you’ve never heard of,
And at the streets you’ll never wander down.
A town so far from everything; Here good bye is forever.
I live in a town called nothing …

vent #2

2009-07-11T08:21:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I realise how much I truly miss people. I am so self concerned that I tend to have trouble leaving the depths of my thoughts and welcoming blankets. These are the days when I feel safe and sometimes breaking out of that safety barrier is harder then it should be. I miss a lot of things about a lot of people and yet I seem to miss myself more this leaves me with the question how can you miss something that is always there?
I don’t think I can say im fully here anymore, parts of me have changed and disappeared and I am now left with constant thoughts and worries about the upcoming future. I wonder where I will be in years time and if I will ever learn to live for now instead of living for the future what scares me is that ive come to depend on certain people so much more then I have ever depended on myself, people remind me that nothing lasts forever so what happens when the one person I come to depend on most leaves? I wonder what will happen with the rest of me. Will I follow the trend that I once took or will I chase after the one person who can give me that undying sensation again.People continue to say I have stopped trying which scares me most as I feel im trying harder then ever before
it feels like sometimes I try and I try but I never get there, and failer seems so much easier then the other options, I will agree things don’t seem right anymore.

wonder

2009-07-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Every moment I have learnt to cherish. As every moment I fear I’ll wake up to another empty bed.
That one day you won’t be there anymore and simple memories will flood my mind. Then before I notice, days will pass and I won’t recall if this ever really happened.
I begin to wonder what its like to be so perfect. I know that you hate it when I call you this, but there are no other words to describe you, then sometimes I begin to wonder why you make this so hard?
Why the only thing I ever ask for is always too distant away. All I have ever asked from you is to care, to listen and to understand for just a second what its like to see you like this.
But now with every kiss I lean for is another way to hold onto something I can’t quite have.
Unlike you I know what will happen.

-------------------

From the corner of my eye, you are always there.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe you’re real.
Sometimes I don’t even believe you are.

life/dreams

2009-07-11T08:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that life was one big dream and that someday we would wake up and finally realise nothing last forever. Pain would always disappear and one day it would finally be the way it’s supposed to be again.
Why is it when we believe we found that special something it’s suddenly taken away from us?

vent #1

2009-07-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick of people thinking they know whats best for me. What i want, what i should do and where i should end up. How do any of us know what the future holds?
I dont believe that anyone can tell me they know what's best for me. I still have trouble putting two and two, together
Do not say goodbye if you are not prepared to give a reason. Do not pack your bags if you are not ready to leave. How is leaving the best for anyone?

I'm over forced love and forced smiles. Everywhere we seem to go is the same. We all try to make it through the day not knowing what tomorrow will bring but hope we have a clear enough idea of what it will. What happened to the simple times where we didnt worry, we didnt overthink. We just lived in the moment.

pointless list of likable's

2009-07-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

every moment spent in Queensland. finding someone you relate too. reading a book that opens your eyes. finding inspiration. completing something you dreaded. writing in a fresh book. spending time with old and new friends. seeing someone you missed. pictures that hide a story. talking to the one person you wish you had. being told something new. being told something you already knew. wondering about the near future. saving up for a dream. looking at the changes you have made. listening to your favourite song over and over. giving advise. telling someone you love them and meaning it with everything you have. reading letters from a distant friend. completing a game that drove you insane. reading quotes from some of the most talented people. watching movies with a hidden meaning. re-reading past posts. saying goodbye for the better. laughing at yourself or laughing in general. gatherings with important people. finding change at the bottom of your bag/pockets. the first few seconds of waking up. the smell of something familiar. smiling uncontrollably. winter mornings. drinking coke continuously. conversations with my father. feeling 100% content. being trusted and giving trust in return. telling someone your secrets and knowing there safe. feeling accomplished after a nine hour shift. finding something in your favourite colour. being given little things. having something new to replace something old. forgiving. having someone to love and to miss. having a godfather who loves to call up. long showers. thinking about what inspires you and pursuing it. four words: I BELIEVE IN YOU.

RIP goodbye

2009-05-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

They told us he was peaceful.
Like he had forgotten to wake up,
music still playing on the radio.
His favourite station beating loud.
Beer cans surrounded the floor.
They told us his best friend found him,
they told us the drugs and alcohol did this too him.

My mother told me he chose the wrong path,
and couldn’t get back on track.
He seemed to always choose the bottle.
Over the family that loved him,
over the friends the needed him.
That same bottle took his life away.
This was probably the way he wanted it.
That beer in his hands,
slowly sentenced him, to death.

____________

Silence over the phone says more then the words we speak.
The words so simple.
Yet so delicate
She whispers bye and the sorrow rips through me.
Pain I thought I could hide comes to the surface
I fight to keep the tears in
To stay strong for the ones who need me most

2009-04-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

i seem to be facing the undying sensation of jelousy
jelousy is not a good form of emotion

satin sheets

2009-03-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

She stood at the corner furthest from the surrounding dimmed light shinning through her satin covers. Her reflection, her shadows bouncing off each four walls provoking and calling me closer towards her.
“She’s nothing,”
Two words, just two simple words I try to convince myself each playing with my next movements, and yet the further I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind. The closer my body was pushed into boundaries, limits I had never thought to overcome.

Her eyes never met my gaze, yet I knew she was watching me. She knew what I wanted. The touch of her perfect skin brought me into a spiralling daze. I handled each movement with precise, subtle care.
I was close, so close to the one who intervened with every vision.
"She’s nothing" my mind screamed.
I turned and before she had time to move from her satin covers, into the authenticity of her surrounding humanity.
I was gone..

under statement

2009-03-20T18:05:00.001-07:00

Have you ever got the feeling that starts in your chest and the more you think the more it begins to take over. The more it moves inside you, and the more it starts to grab at every belief you once had.

You sit there and you scream to no one but yourself, but at the same time you pray that he can hear you. Although you know deep down he doesn't care.
You can't help but watch as it all falls away. Your fragile existence being pulled part by part and you remember the promise you broke. "i will never do this again"
Look at you, your just becoming what you said you hated.

Why the fuck do we ruin it all with three words?
How can three words you swore you'd never speak come out your mouth so easy?

One day, i want to say hello to someone and never have to say goodbye.
Though even in my dreams this statement is impossible.

lit

2009-03-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

I'm curious to see if anyone gets the same interpretation as i did when i wrote this?

Operated doors are opened as my coins are sucked up; here is where technology takes over.
A place so many sat before with nothing but ones thoughts and distractions where my eyes connect with the yellow and black contrast and the blur of my surroundings.
Time is so commonly mistaken here, just another push back in the future, a sudden rush then I am not alone
I am only an unfamiliar face in the crowd
An unspoken suspect, with a destination

bad memory?

2009-03-16T03:19:00.000-07:00

There are days i only wish i could look back into your eyes and you could tell me yourself that this is what you wanted.
That this was for the better.

Somedays i find it almost impossible to remember who you really were,
Sometimes i feel a little guilty for never comming to visit anymore. I cannot forgive nor can i forget.
You have every answer im looking for yet you were always to far away.
Is it weird that even to this day i believe that i got to speak the last words to you? Is it weird to sometimes imagine that your still here?

What i find hardest to grasp is that every memory i posses of you is hatred, and i wish that one day you'd come back with us again so i could change that all.
I wish that you saw every tear we shed for you.
I wish that we knew this is what you wanted.
but what i wish for the most, is for you to be able to understand i will always love you. I've just been too stubborn to realise

My mother tells me your in a better place now. Although i cant stop wondering "what about me?"
Does this make me selfish?
Am i nothing better then you?

i feel like i still need you

old yet reliable thought

2009-03-16T03:04:00.000-07:00

As I move through life, I have taken it upon myself to discover that promises and forgiveness can be just as easily thrown away in the time they are brought upon us. I am only human and no matter how much I endeavour, I can never be quite what I am expected to be. There are a lot of words that get tossed around, some that will leave all state of mine and some that will eternally dwell. Though, nothing has resided like the words once spoken to me ‘Don’t let that get you down, no ones perfect. No one can be perfect’. These are the words I am choosing to learn and grow off. I know that no matter what I say, it cannot make my life easier or your judgement towards me any diverse but, I believe that we all deserve a chance to spread our opinions across. Weather they be heard by a crowd or undermined. I have discovered that to most of this world I am a nobody, who survives off the gleaming hope we all have inside ourselves. I am still trying to pick up the pieces that are my life and reorganise them to make something worth living for. Until that puzzle is solved, I am stuck trying to fit into a place I don’t quite understand.
To those very few precious people who have tried, no matter how much to help me or who have given me a friendship these past few years are the ones who truly deserve a thankyou. Then there are the people I am apologising to. I know a million sorrys can’t fix things, but I am to say sorry to those I have, or may in the future hurt.
There is a saying, “beauty is only skin deep”, and this is an old yet reliable saying. Our appearance these days is one thing we take for granted. Beauty will only ever get you half way through life and with this, im trying to discover the true beauty that lies underneath. So far only the ugly packaging has been discovered.My true identity is something that has never been fully and truly shown even to the closest of people in my life. to show the real me it takes much more than the time I have and it is not something that can be explained overnight, but something we all have hidden wether we have figured out its there or not.Because even when it feels like there’s no reason to be here, there is always one person who proves you wrong. - 28/12/07