vent

i really miss tumblr because without it i have no where to vent or let my feelings out so im coming back to blogspot.com for awhile.

year 12 is already a drainer, not to mention teenage drama has taken an all time high in my group of friends. I'm always tired, always doing homework and always fucking stressed about something.

I feel terrible that some of my best friends are having the worst time and there's nothing I can do about it and I wish more then anything that I could spend more one on one time with my boyfriend, after being together for over a year it is suddenly so hard to go from being able to spend as much time as i want with him to hardly ever because of year 12, which of course i knew would happen but i just really miss having someone to hug whenever i want.

The upside is it's only February and Im not going to let the rest of the year get me down because this year is supposed to be "the best year of your life" and I'm going to try 100% to make it that way. its scary to think that this is my last year but also i am really fucking excited.

this is an incredibly boring post but i'm just happy that i've finally started writing again, hopefully i can be fucked updating again. :)

I am still so scared that every time I slow down and give myself a chance to think my mind will catch up with reality and thats the worst thing that could possibly happen right now. I wish that I could close my eyes and not have these images flood my mind. I wish I could handle it, on the outside I am fine but I wish someone could see though me and give me the help I sometimes need. I can’t do it on my own but I’m too scared to let anyone know that I need there help.

Dear you,

There is no one else quite like you in this world and that is just one of my favourite things about you.

There is nothing else I need to say because you already know how much I care for you and love you.

I couldnt be happier and you are the one to thank, so thankyou.

Love Ej

Repetitive dream

Tonight it happened again, like always so vivid.
I stood in front of three beige doors I had grown to hate. There paint still fresh, exactly the way I had remembered them from a year ago.
“Don’t pick the middle door” my words would echo throughout the empty room, I knew this all too well, I was smarter then this but then again it wasn’t about what you knew anymore. This was something you couldn’t fight; it was always the middle door.

The place was exactly how I remembered it to be, the sense of loneliness lingered throughout the town, so dark and yet everything felt a little clearer. The ropes were tighter this time, they rubbed on my wrists and ankles as I moved with such uneasiness. I knew exactly what was going on, what was going to happen next as the last few moments flicked through my head.
I was calmer this time yet I couldn’t help but shed tears like I had before, I could feel them coming after me it was only a matter of time now.

They arrived in packs, faces hidden behind velvet masks. I tried to close my eyes, to escape them but behind closed lids there faces were revealed.
There was no way to explain them, not quite human but nothing I had ever seen before. Their skin hung off their bodies like decaying matter, their bloodshot eyes bulging out of their sockets, their noses broken and slightly off centre and their remaining teeth as sharp as knives.
They began to chant the chant I had remembered off by heart, slow and soft it started but it grew fiercer and louder until there voices rung in my ears.
I wanted to run, to escape them but I knew there was no where to go, no where to hide. I knew that it didn’t matter how fast I ran or how far I got they would find me and make me pay.
I wouldn’t get anywhere, I wasn’t safe anymore.

They came closer and closer towards me. The smell of their breath made my stomach turn. In the shadows they smiled, like they were excited to see me, it had been so long since we had seen each other. I hated how there was no where to look other then their bloodshot eyes; I hated how empty they were, Like the souls behind them had disappeared and they were now empty.
A flash of their uneven teeth twisted like the words they spoke.
Closer and closer they came.
One forced himself onto me making me cringe, my breathing becoming limited. I screamed louder for help, for breath, one last breath! His arms around my neck, I was choking.
“Ill see you soon” he would laugh and they began to chant their chant, the one I remember off by heart. I couldn’t fight it anymore, I had lost again, numb and lifeless.

I woke up, sweating more then I had ever before, my hands shaking and my eyes stinging from tears. My fears had found me, fears I thought I had chased away found me in the one place I couldn’t control. Each night when I was younger I was destroyed in a place I couldn’t escape, I thought I had grown out of it but maybe I hadn’t.
These are the dreams you have so much trouble picking imagination from reality.

(you will probably notice this is a lot like something i have previously posted, its because I had redrafted it)

vent #3

I havnt used blogspot in months.

Recently I have noticed people are becoming more bitter and angry. its not an attractive look, it is almost the opposite actually and quite frankly it doesnt do anyone the world of good.
I wish people would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and smile instead of loading there shit onto everyone else.
I wish people could see themselves through the eyes of others and see how pathetic they look, its annoying because when these certain people are happy they are absolutly beautiful but it is there personality and the way they cannot control the simplest of emotions that drains the beauty straight out of them. If it was up to me I would walk up to each individual I know who fits this description and tell them to have a long hard look in the mirror and grow the fuck up, have a look at the bigger picture that is out there and do us all a favour. I wish I had that power but I dont.

Fuck all the nice things in the world
Fuck who your supposed to be
Fuck the struggles we go through trying to impress the rest of the world
Fuck it, fuck it all.

Why cant people just be who they want to be?
Be beautiful in your own way

far away

Niels says:
its funny because i can actually tell you everything
and i hardly know you.



It's funny because you live hundreds of thousands of miles away from me. On the other side of the world and yet reading that made my day.

-

I feel to much.

Thats whats going on.

do you think one could think to much?

Or just feel in the wrong ways?

My insides dont meet up with my outsides

Do anyones insides and outsides match up?

I dont know. Im only me.

Maybe, thats what a person's personality is:

The difference between the insides and outsides

I dont understand the concept of love.
Everyone wants it and yet none of us can handle it.
I dont think we really love one another its more the idea of love.
Its having someone there to call your own, but I guess they are never really yours because they leave eventually, they leave you in the worst state possible. Whats worse is you become vulnerable to the ones around you.
Its love that rips away your confidence and makes you question everything about yourself.